I read an awesome article the other day that made me sit and ponder life. Well, two articles actually. I've been doing a lot of reflecting and re-engineering on my life in the past few months, but as reading goes, these two felt the most poignant. And of course, as the late great Winston Churchill said "the farther back you look, the farther forward you are likely to see."
One on blog puberty and the other about how a woman looks at work at 40. So with that, I bare some soul here.
It comes as no surprise that I do this blog and our interior design business as a hobby. A deeply fulfilling creative outlet for the artistically deprived. I would love (and I mean love) to do it full-time but since we are only a year in, we can't afford to keep our households running on just our design salary alone. I mean bulldogs gotta eat and stuff. But that is the ultimate plan. And a wonderful dream to have, to think about being a full-time, successful, true blue interior designer (but with an in-style hairdo... I really hope). Until now, it's felt more like a bit like a pipe dream. Mom has already been there and done that, as a successful interior designer for 13 plus years. Only now she's starting over with her kid in tow and looking at the world from 20 more years under her belt. We are loving every minute of it and we hope, beyond hope, to make enough money at it that we can feed our pet-a-pet farm on our design salaries.
But I work a nine to fiver just like most people. I am incredibly fortunate because I get to do it from my home. And I am good at what I do. I earn a terrific salary and get to let my dogs in and out all day long (oh, and read design blogs without a worry that my boss is standing over my shoulder). But it's not without some downsides. I work remote which means I live in fear of being blindsided. Heads rolling at the office and I have no heads-up, pun intended. I also worry that I'm selling out. I do this to eat and to feed my dogs and to pay for our home and vehicles. But cybersecurity software in no way, shape or form feeds my soul.
What does though is a long list of things I am still fortunate to have in my life, however attention-starved they may be. Horses. Dogs. Family. Design. Writing. Creating.
I often regret not taking the hardwork I put in as an undergrad in Biology and Chemistry to the next level and becoming a veterinarian or a doctor. I think I grew up thinking doctors and lawyers were the only honorable career choices. But, I didn't think I could shoulder the responsibility at the end of the day. I did it all day long as a vet tech during college, but I ultimately got to duck out of the 'it's time' conversation. I wish my 30 year old self could have contacted my 20 year old self to tell her that she could do it. But. I also know that I wanted to earn more than a veterinarian did. So sales it was. And sales it is. Did you know technology sales executives are among the highest paid salaries in the US? I'm not one of those. But, I chose my profession based on earning potential. I didn't consider I might not feel totally fulfilled down the (ever increasingly short) road.
I've also come to the stark realization that I've been camped out, hiding, in my life for the past two years. My husband has some serious, life changing illnesses, and I was fortunate enough to be in a place to be able to take care of him when I needed to. I need to be home. But I have taken solace and camouflage in working from home. I let myself go. And I stopped pushing myself so hard. I was keeping my life small out of fear. Fear that life is short. But it's time - no more hiding out.
I am deciding to work towards financial freedom. To lower my personal operating costs and not be so frivolous, so that I can afford to make some changes when I'm ready. Whether it's going out to do design full time or going back to school for a design degree, it's time to prepare. To rid myself of debts and to exercise caution in preparation for slimmer times. It's also time to admit that I need to shed some pounds. There's a reason why I don't post pictures of myself. There's a reason why I shy away from the camera. The reality that my weight is controlling me if really hard to swallow. And I plan to tell 'it' to take a long walk off a short pier.
Thanks for tuning in. I don't like to talk about my 9-5 because I like to pretend I'm a designer and a designer only. But I'm not. And I like to say that being 30 is no different. But looking back through my posts, it sure comes up a lot in terms of affecting change in my tastes and preferences and it's time to starting really showing 30 who's boss. Not 'it', me.